Time to Cut You Off

Dealing with intoxicated people is a true test that not everyone can pass. Everyone has been in a situation where their friend or significant other has had a little too much to drink and are therefore forced to babysit them for the rest of the night. Now this situation is certainly frustrating, but at least you have some connection to the individual you are being forced to care for, meaning at least you like this person. In contrast, when you are forced to deal with an intoxicated customer, there is no connection and therefore it is simply maddening. A co-worker last week was tested with this exact dilemma a couple of weeks ago. A table that had moved to the bar after having a little too much to drink in the dining area was initially displeased that their former server could no longer wait on them. Of course to a sober minded individual this would make sense, but to a couple of them it did not. Before they had even reached the bar, the people at the table who were intoxicated were already angry. They had already decided in there vodka soaked minds that this new person, the bartender, was to be hated. Of course once they had finally stumbled to the bar, the bartender thought it would be best to cut them off. This set them off even more. They spent the rest of the night pleading for drinks and cussing her out. Doesn’t this sound like fun? Thankfully, these lovely people were with very nice, sober friends who kindly escorted them out eventually and took them home safely.

Cutting people off is always such an issue. Of course no one wants to be cut off, but the things that people will say are unbelievable. I once had a guy call me a “C you next Tuesday” if you know what I mean, merely because I told him I thought he should be done. Now mind you, this kind fellow was well over thirty so you would assume that he had this drinking thing down pact but I guess not. I once worked at a place where a lady was cut off and the table next to her cheered after they had heard because she was quite loud. She quickly stood up after the eruption of cheers and slapped one of the people at the table. Thankfully, the individual who was slapped was very calm about the whole situation but really, slapping? Once again, this lady was well over the legal drinking age of twenty-one, yet she obviously hasn’t mastered the art of drinking.

Another incident I remember is when a drink was thrown at me when I cut someone of. This individual was actually fresh out of the gate; I think they were twenty-one on the dot. Regardless of age, it is always a crapshoot on how the individual will take the news. On the bright side, there are those that take it very well and we are thankful for them.

How Big is That?

Everyone always wants to know how big everything is. I constantly get asked how big the pizza slices are. I normally respond with a simple “pretty big, but depends how hungry you are”. I try and make it clear that these are not Vegas style, big as your face type slices, but people continue to try and pry out information as if I am holding something back in my description. I occasionally get the people that try and use their hands as a measuring tool hoping that I will come up with a way to draw a pizza slice with my hands. They then always proceed to ask after their display, “well can you show me how big with your hands”? Most often I laugh a little bit when this happens because it is so ridiculous. How can I demonstrate the size of a triangular object with my hands? It is not physically possible. This obviously leads us nowhere. Its pizza, it’s not some unheard of cuisine from the South Pacific. The slice will be the size of most slices of pizza; this should not be this hard.

The next thing people most often want to see the size chart on is the salads. They always want to know how big the dinner salad is, as if they are so different from restaurant to restaurant. Then next they want to know how big the large salad is. They always say, “Well is it huge”? It specifically states on the menu that everyone pretends to read, that these particular salads are “entrée” salads, which most would interpret as enough for a meal. The best of all is when people continue this dialogue with, “well I’m not that hungry, will that be too much”? How should I know? I have no way of knowing how hungry you are or how much food you normally consume. And more importantly it is just a salad; most people can consume an entire salad.

We also have mussels on the menu which also seems to raise questions on size. Some people ask how big they are and what they look like. We have decent size mussels and I always tell people that ask that they are a generous size and that they happen to be very good. The best is when people respond with “well are they big like this (hand gesture) or big like this (hand gesture)”? No matter what response you give them they always order them, it’s so comical. Even the people that seem displeased with your response get them anyways. I always want to inquire why they had asked in the first place if the answer was irrelevant.

I understand that people want to know what they are getting, but some questions cannot be answered or at least not in the way that most hope it can. Don’t ask your server to mime a pizza slice, and question the ocean next time you’re curious on the size of mussels.

Last Call

 

I love when people respond to last call with; “Well I’ll have another if its ok with you”. What do they think I am going to say? Of course I want to say no, no it’s not ok with me and I would actually like for you to leave so I can start to clean. Obviously we are not allowed to say what we truly think. If this is how the restaurant industry worked, I think most people probably wouldn’t hate it as much. Now I can’t tell if people realize that I have to say “Of course it’s ok”, and are trying to make themselves feel better for the fact that they have asked. Or perhaps people are really this out of touch. Perhaps they think that I run the show here and can ask them to leave. To me though, it often feels like a slap in the face. I smack a fake smile on my face and normally respond to this idiotic question with, “It’s up to you”. Fearing the next words to come out of their mouth, I hold my breath and hope for the best usually just to have my dreams shattered as they order another.

The best of all is when people order more than one drink or a bottle of wine, the audacity of these people. If someone gives you last call, do not order multiple drinks or something that will take you an hour to consume, it’s simply rude. Last call does not mean continue to order, it really means please pay your tab and leave so that I can leave. I also love when people order food at last call and proceed to request that I give their apologies to the chef for ordering so late. This is a kind gesture I suppose, but what about me? What about the manager on duty? What about anyone else who is working that has to stay because of you? If you are planning on apologizing for making someone stay late, be sure to include everyone you are forcing to pretend to clean for an additional hour.

Lastly, last call certainly implies that the establishment you are at is beginning to close.So please do not misinterpret this as an invitation to continue drinking and eating as long as you like. At most, after being giving last call, you should try and wrap it up within an half an hour. Don’t be those people that sit around for over an hour. Unlike a place that closes at 2am where all alcohol has to be rid of by a certain time, a place that closes earlier has no laws on their side to get rid of customers. Theoretically, customers could stay hours after closing, but this doesn’t mean that you should. And who would want too? No music, high beam lights, and employees who are obviously waiting on you, sounds pretty unpleasant to me. Maybe I am bias, but when I am told it is last call I pay, I leave and I go home knowing I didn’t screw anybody.

The Back Hole

Working in the restaurant industry is like being sucked into a black hole. Once you’re in, it’s hard to get out. I often equate it to stripping. Not that I have ever been a stripper, but I know it relates. Think about it, just like stripping, when you are a server you can work part time and make great money. In what other legitimate form of employment can you make quick, easy money? I would assume that most strippers hate their job. Well, most servers hate their job. I would assume that most strippers find their work to be degrading at times and I know most servers would sometimes agree. There are only a couple of things more degrading than someone talking to you like you’re beneath them simply because you are waiting on them. The most profound similarity I would assume that these two occupations share is the inability to leave that job. Once you are accustomed to making a certain amount of money in a certain amount of hours, it is extremely hard to leave. Currently, I would love nothing more than to change career paths, however where I am going to go. Do I go to another job and work twenty more hours a week just to make less money than I make now, or do I continue to be miserable. It’s a tough spot to be in. I cannot tell you how many people I work with that have “real jobs”, but are forced to work at the restaurant a couple of nights a week simply to make ends meet. I look at these people with envy in one way. I am jealous that they have those so desirable “real jobs”. But then I look at their situation, they work on an average twenty-thirty more hours a week than me, and we make either the same amount of money or often I make more. Is that really worth it? Now obviously from reading this, one can probably tell I am not going to school to be a mechanical engineer, so I am not going to be making six figures anytime soon. But, $14 an hour isn’t going to cut it. Think about a server’s or bartender’s income, if you look at it on an average hourly basis, they can make up to $50 an hour or even more depending on where they work. Doing the math is when the depression really sinks in. Most of the jobs I have come by that I might be willing to take would equal out to a $10,000 decrease in my income after taxes. And obviously I have not finished school yet so my possibilities are not endless at this point, but I like to say I am on the twelve year plan, and I’m not sure if I will be able to make much longer. Well the morale of this story is the black hole is real, it exists, and if you are caught in it, I share your pain. So next time you come across a stripper remember before you judge them that, they probably make more than you do and you probably wouldn’t leave that gig either.

Read the Signs

In any restaurant, signs with key information fill the walls and doors. Why no one chooses to read these signs is what drives anyone in the service industry mad. To start lets discus the most important sign of all, the one that clearly states the hours of the restaurant. This sign is always placed in plain sight at the entrance of the restaurant. Makes sense, right? So if the sign states that the restaurant will be closing at 10pm, don’t come in at 9:55. Most people seem to understand this logic, the logic of consideration for others. However, there are those who could care less if a place is closing in five minutes or not, and they stroll on in like it’s no big deal. I understand that people have the right to come in if we are not technically closed, however you would think that if you did you would try and be quick. This is most always never the case, most of the non-reading sign people stroll in, refuse to order quickly, and then stay way after closing hours. I have always wondered why you would want to be the only people in a restaurant. Not only is everyone most likely starring at you hoping that their mind tricks will force you to leave, but if you stay passed close, the TV’s and music are turned off. Why anyone would want to sit in an empty restaurant with no music, and where every employee is obviously standing around waiting for you to leave is beyond me.

The next sign that always seem to cause mass confusion is the “Takeout Only” sign. The sign also comes with a bold arrow pointing you to the right direction for the main entrance. No one ever reads this sign! They come in with a look of bewilderment as to why this area looks so different from any other foyer I suppose. In the grand scheme of things, what door you come in really makes no huge difference, but it’s the principle, read the sign. The best of all is when people pretend that they didn’t see the sign although you just witnessed them reading it. They wander in pretending they had no idea, just fess up, say you didn’t want to walk around. Being honest would be much better than the poor performance you’re going to give us about not seeing the sign.

That last sign that people refuse to read, is the reserved sign that is placed on tables that are only seated by the host. These tables are to be seated by the host because of their location to the bar. Since they are so close, people waiting at the bar to be called to their table often hover over these tables and sneak in when people get up. This unfortunately screws everyone. When you do this, you are in fact stealing the table from the people ahead of you on the waiting list. So when the host brings a couple of happy folks to their table that they have been waiting for, all to find out that some impatient people decided to help themselves to it, mass chaos erupts. Everyone is now mad, someone either has to move or continue to wait.

Simple lesson here, read the signs.

Think Before You Ask

Although it is taught that there is never a dumb question, I have learned that this theory is absolutely false. Working in a restaurant, I am probably  asked a dim-witted question almost every other table. The most common of questions revolves around the menu, and is normally due to the fact that no one reads them. Here is a sample of some dialogue infiltrated with some rather stupid questions.

Customer:                           “Do you have calamari”?

Me (In my head):                Does it look like we have calamari?

Have you even glanced at the menu before asking me?

Me (To the customer):        “No, I’m sorry we do not”

Customer:                             “Why not”? Do you think you will ever put it on the menu”?

Me (In my head):                  How the F%&^ should I know? Do you really think that I have any idea as to                                                                                       why the owner has decided not to have calamari or what will be a part of the menu”?

Me (To the customer):          “You know, I’m not sure”

Another inane question I receive deals with what people have eaten during their last visit.

Customer:                           “I was here last time and ate something with cheese on it, do you have dishes                                                                                   with lots of cheese”?

Me (In my head):                 Cheese, really?

Me (To the customer):        “Cheese, yes many things have cheese on them. Can you tell me more about it”?

Customer:                            “Well it seemed to come with French fries, where are those on the menu”?

Me:                                        “We don’t have French fries”.

Customer:                            “When did you get rid of them”?

Me:                                        “We have never had fries on the menu”

Customer:                            “That’s strange, maybe it was pasta. Do you serve anything with pasta”?

Me:                                        Many things. (This would be obvious by simply glancing at the menu).

This continued for what seemed like hours. These are ridiculous questions.

First of all, read the menu.

Second of all, why would you think that I would somehow know what you ate last time you where here, especially with your awful description of what it was like? If cheese is the only ingredient that you can remember, I will be of no help to you.

The next question I love is; where is the owner?

In my head I think how should I know?

Customer:          ” Will they be in soon”?

You know, owners don’t normally announce when they are going to be dropping in to their employees. Not only are we not pals, but the sneak attack only works when we are unaware of their location. Owners cannot strike fear in their employees if they provide each one with their personal schedule.

Another annoying question that is always raised pertains to what is on happy hour. Despite the fact that there are menus listing everything on happy hour and the prices that accompany them, people still seem to ask ridiculous questions.

Customer:           “Greygoose isn’t on happy hour”?

No, not only is greygosse never on happy hour anywhere, but the menu in front of you will answer this question.

Customer:           “What about belvedere”?

No, if greygosse isn’t why would belvedere be?

Customer:          ” What vodka is on happy hour”?

Nothing good, that’s why it’s so cheap, this should be obvious. If you like good vodka, you never order the happy hour vodka.

Most questions I am asked I either cannot answer or the answer is starring the customer in the face. Oh well, just another part of the job I guess.

Never Take Food That’s Not Yours

Another day, another dollar. It was actually a pretty tame week in the restaurant which is highly unusual. However, I did get the joy of noticing one more thing people do that makes me question the human species. Shocking, huh? I will never understand why people accept food that is not theirs. This sounds silly…right? But it happens. If a server brings food to your table that you did not order, you don’t accept it. No, you say;

“Oh no, that’s not mine”

I mean something to that effect. I guess not everyone believes in this philosophy, because it happens more than you think.

So the other day a table was in the restaurant. It wasn’t my table, but of course I heard the whole story and even watched it play out myself. So this table, I’ll call them table A, orders their food and waits patiently for their burgers. All the while, a table gets sat right behind them, will call them table B. Table B orders their meals, pasta I think it was, the point is it definitely was not burgers. A server from another section planning on running table B’s food, takes the pasta dishes to table A. Now remember, table A ordered burgers, not pasta. However, table A does not seem to care and accepts the pasta dishes as if they had ordered them. Now this is obviously the servers fault, they made a mistake and delivered the food to the wrong table. But who accepts food they did not order? A couple minutes later, table A’s food gets delivered to their table and they now have burgers and pasta, ridiculous. Also keep in mind poor table B is left hungry and rapidly growing impatient. More importantly, this table is aware of the table behind them eating their food, and the people enjoying their buffet definitely do not care, it’s like they have just won the lottery, they could not be happier. Table B is now completely pissed off since they have been waiting for ever for something that should have only taken fifteen minutes. I don’t blame them, I would be too. Think about it, you can hear the people behind you talking about how great their pasta is and how awesome it is that they received all this food, while your left waiting. So not only is the table now pissed off, but the server who made an honest mistake is now getting chewed out over their mistake. Additionally, the server who is taking care of pissed off table B is angry with the server who ran the food and is most likely looking at an awful tip. And too top it all off, this throws the kitchen off. The kitchen has to stop everything and remake their food, which means other tables are now suffering and waiting longer for their food. All of this because this table decided to accept food they did not order. I guess the morale of the story is think of others before you act and don’t take other peoples food, you did not win the lottery you are just screwing other people.

 

 

 

The Wave

What is it with the arm flailing? Why must people feel the need to wave and point? I think most people feel that they are doing their server or bartender a favor by pointing at what they want. However, it’s so annoying. Half the time what I think you’re pointing at and what you think you’re pointing at are two totally different things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve brought someone more ketchup when all they wanted was a napkin. People must think that servers have some keen capability of understanding gestures. The worst of all is when people mime the infamous check symbol. Especially because, most of the time I’m standing right in front of you and there is no reason for it. Do they think I can’t hear? I always want to say, “Use your words”. So I normally ask them back, “So you want your check”? Trying to make them speak, but it never works, they just nod. The wave is also completely maddening. I don’t think people realize that within every server or bartender’s head, there is a list of task to complete, and they are all ordered by number, first come first serve. It’s not that we don’t see you; it’s that you happen to be number five on the list, meaning there are four things I have to do before I get to you and what you want. Waving your hands uncontrollably is not going to help me complete my task list any sooner, in fact you are going to slow me down. I have to take time to walk to you and tell you I will be with you in a minute, which ultimately delays everything else. I can understand if you have been waiting for an absurdly long time, but don’t just sashay up to the bar flailing your arms in order to get a drink. Sit down and be patient, some will be right with you whether it seems like it or not. However, if you act like a small ill-mannered child, you will wait for a while merely on the premise that you are obnoxious. Being obnoxious only pushes you farther down the list of task. And then you have those people that commit both crimes, the infamous wave and pointers. These are the people that will wave at you from the opposite end of the bar and then proceed to point to something they want. This does not help; I normally have no idea what they are trying to tell me. When I make it over to them to ask what they want, most everyone always says, “I was trying to point so you wouldn’t have to walk over here”. It’s a novel and kind idea, but I do not speak in gestures and it got us nowhere since I am now standing in front of you trying to discover what it is you want. So next time, just ask me, it would make our lives so much easier.

The Sommelier

One of my favorite parts of my job is dealing with people who pretend to be sommeliers. For some reason the idea of knowing everything there is to know about wine is attractive to some. The best of course though is when you get a customer who pretends to have the wine knowledge of a true master sommelier, yet they order $4 glasses of wine. These are also the people that ask for samples of our house wine, its HOUSE wine, you should know what it’s going to taste like more or less. In fact, you should be able to determine the taste simply from the word house. House wine is not going to taste like the vineyards of Italy with deep, robust flavors. House wine is not going to taste like the rolling hills of California; it is going to taste like a $4 glass of wine, which is just fine for the price. When people request a sample of the house wine to see if it suits them, I always think to myself;

“You want a taste of a $4 glass of wine, really”?

Its four bucks, what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe you end up not liking it, but how bad can it really be for the price? The whole bottle is the cost of some of our wines by the glass.

But of course I bring them their sample and they swirl their glass back in fourth trying to impress their date. They hold their glass up to the light checking to see if it has legs. They stick their entire nose into the glass, pretending to pick up notes of this and that. And of course they like it, who wouldn’t its $4. But was all of this necessary? Was this show of how you know how to properly dissect wine essential? Besides, I can bet that the person you are trying to impress would have been more impressed if you decided to get a nice bottle of wine, as opposed to the happy hour glass of house merlot.

I get it; I’m not the person to spend a lot of money on alcohol. Personally, I even like wine from a box. I believe that box wine is extremely underrated. Its only $16 and it holds five 1.5L bottles, simple choice I think. I am not a sommelier and I do not pretend to be. I would rather get a cheap box of wine and not have to go to the liquor store every week, than drink fancy expensive wine. Besides, I doubt that I could tell you the difference between a nice, expensive glass of wine and a cheap glass of house wine. But at least I don’t pretend to be a wine coinsurer who only loves wine from Italy or wine that is expensive. All I’m saying is, don’t pretend to be a wine snob if you’re not, be proud of your smart spending and lack of taste for fine wine, I know I am.

No Reservations

The reservation policy where I work always seems to cause grief with customers. We only take reservations for parties of six or more, and we only take them during certain times of the day. Seems simple, right? Well for many people, this is too much to comprehend. Here’s how a normal conversation normally ends when speaking about reservations;

“But… I am bringing in a date and it will only be two of us, isn’t there anything you can do?

“I am so sorry, we can only take reservation for parties of six or more, I apologize”

“But will it be busy, what if I cannot get a table?”

Will it be busy? I think we get this question at least three times a day. There is no way to tell if it will be busy, I cannot predict the future. For example, Fridays can often be busy, especially around the dinner hour; however, there are many Friday’s where we are completely dead. There is no real formula to gauge what the volume of a restaurant will be.

Secondly, you will always get a table. This is not some real hip place where if your name is not on the list, you will not be seated. Not getting a reservation is not the end of the world, you will get to eat.

The best part of taking a reservation is when the customer tries to get clever with you.

“Well would if you write down six people, but only five will show up?”

                                                Or

“Would if we pretend there is a sixth person, couldn’t that work?”

                                                Or

                        “But you’ll let me do it, right?

The answer is NO. Not only do we not seat you until your entire party has arrived, but who has the gall to ask that? Why would anyone think that pretending they have more people than they do would work? I just don’t understand what the big deal is. If you do have to wait just go to the bar and get a drink, at most you will wait thirty minuets, sit down and relax.

And then there is the joy of having a big reservation coming in for dinner. Most likely, you will have a small section so you are not overwhelmed with tables, and more often than not, that reservation will be your only table depending on the size of the party. Now imagine that your reservation never comes, nor do they have the decency to call. So you came to work, you set up your section, you did your side work, you helped everyone else run their food and drinks, all to make no money. Some people think that servers make minimum wage plus tips, now this is true for some lucky few, however most of us make between $2 and $4 an hour plus tips, depending on where you live. Ultimately, as a server your “wage” boils down to a whole lot of nothing. So unfortunately, there are times when you come to work, all to make nothing.

Reservation will always be an issue, some can’t get one and others don’t show up when they have them.